The One That Got Away

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We all know that one song that will take us back to that one special night, with those special people. Emotions and memories flood back, making it nearly impossible to remain in the present. Things that you haven’t thought about in years return, things you didn’t even know that you remembered!

For me that one song is “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. And anyone who knows that song, knows that it doesn’t have a very good meeting. It is literally about a man talking to his mistress when his wife/ girlfriend wasn’t around. Not really something you want to think about.

Especially, when this was your first “Our song” with your first boyfriend at your first dance that played during your first slow dance.

I know it is a lot of firsts, but I think that is why I feel so strongly about it.

So, let’s go back to 2011. I’m in 8th grade. I had a small, end of the day study hall with this special dude. I didn’t know he was special yet. I was just happy that he was talking to me and I might have a guy friend like I’ve always wanted, not even a boyfriend. Oh, and my mom and his mom started to work together at the same school, coincidentally. So…we became pretty close that year, but neither of us wanted to break the friend zone we didn’t intend to build.

My one friend could see through our visage and took the leap for us. And that is how he became my first ever date to my first ever real fancy dance: The 8th grade formal. The whole process was interesting, all the way from buying the monkey tickets with candy bananas attached to getting our pictures taken. We had fun. I danced with friends and watched all of my classmates dance and have fun.

My date and I sat in the back and talked like we did in study hall. I asked why we park on driveways but drive on parkways. And why it is called a pair of pants when it is one set? It is not 2 pants. Why do we call hamburgers hamburgers when they are made from beef (Thankfully, I did get the answer to the question)?

Then when the only slow dance was coming up, I got nervous. I ran to the bathroom and puked. I missed half of… “Lips of an Angel”. I thought for sure that he was dancing with the other girl who tried to steal him away from me, but as I ran through the crowd looking for him. He showed up. He tapped me on the shoulder and, guys, it was seriously such a magical moment. I turned around in what felt like slow motion and the next thing that I knew was that I was in his arms, dancing. It was really nice. Then after that dance, I kissed him on the cheek and waited for him to officially ask me out (2 months later).

I’m not going to bore you guys with the details of our confusing romance, but if you would like to hear about that summer, let me know and I can elaborate one day.

But after being off and on for 3 years, I let him go for someone who treated me like shit and this guy will probably be the only guy to treat me properly and be that respectful. I crushed him. He tried to keep me, but as a dumb ass I pushed him away. I pissed him off to where he was convinced that I had cheated on him with this guy (who I did end up dating). So, yeah, basically, I’ve been a shitty person since then. I pushed away the one guy that had the same values and morals and a decent family who did anything for me. They still wish me happy birthday and it has been like 5 or more years since I let him  get away.

Before Alex, I was  convinced that I would always love this boy. I always felt a small tugging towards him still. Then, I was sure that Alex cured me of my love for this kid. And, even now, I still get swept back to 2011-2014 when this boy had my back and was honest and loving as a 15 year old can be. But, I wasn’t happy with him. He was what everyone expected me to marry and be with. I wanted something more exciting and adventurous. This guy was the safety net of security. I wanted to live on the edge.

Now, I see him with this now long time girlfriend and I see all of the places that they go together (Places we were supposed to go to) and how he treats her and smiles in pictures. I can’t help but think I helped him become that way or that should be me that he is treating that way, not her. I let him go and he is happier now. I have to live with that. It was my fault.

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Replacement

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Anyone who has read my past posts, knows that I have a low self-esteem. And this one is nothing different.

I’m sitting at my boyfriend’s work because he got called in last minute. I come in to see the waitresses that he works with and essentially to see if any are threatening to me. I don’t care if he says he doesn’t check out other women because that is a bold face bullshit lie. Men look at women all the time, married or not.

I don’t like him working with mostly attractive women that he has even commented on a couple times before. Plus, all they do is wear leggings, so he probably stares at their asses all day/night.

Also, he has a history of trading an older model for a younger one. I’m the latest model, but in 5 months I will no longer a minor and it is due in time that he trades me in for another 19 year old. Which, eventually he may grow up from 19 year olds and maybe move to 20-21 year olds, so I should have a couple more years.

But he seems to like small, skinny, redheads with big butts. Which I am really none of those things except a redhead. He calls me fat. I’m kinda short. And he says hes seen better asses.

Well, there’s this 16 year old now that fits the description and it makes me paranoid. He has been like looking at her and stuff. It makes me paranoid that she is like a better, younger version of me that he might like better. He says he doesn’t know how to flirt, but I really don’t believe him.

It honestly just makes me nauseous and want to like starve myself until I’m skinny enough for him. Or something so that way he will only want me. It makes me want to distance myself from him and I can easily do that. I have practice withdrawing myself.

We probably won’t even make it anyway. Too many differences and misunderstandings. Why keep fooling myself that things are okay? He could find a replacement for me in no time. He doesn’t need me anyway.

Nightmares

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Ever since I moved into this house, I can’t sleep unless my boyfriend is next to me or holding me. And that may sound like, “Oh, aww, she can’t be away from her boyfriend.”

No…. if he isn’t I have nightmares. This house is slightly haunted in my opinion. Two years ago, I posted stories and some included my parents’ home. Now, I’m on my own and this place is kinda haunted as well. I hear footsteps downstairs when I’m upstairs, and vice versa. Doors opening. Stuff floating off of the china cabinet (we have papers tucked behind the wooden decoration). And more creepy things. It’s nothing menacing or anything. Shit has calmed down over the time since we moved in, but that’s another post.

I do think that the nightmares are because of the ghost. I know it watches us sleep, so I would not doubt if he caused it. Whether you believe or not, I’m not dwelling on the state of my house, but the nightmares.

It has been about 2 weeks since they started steadily. Most nights I don’t dream or remember them. I don’t remember which dream was first, but it has been a series of unfortunate events. (Oh, and I’m slightly psychic as well so it would be wise if I didn’t just brush these away or forget about them.)

The one dream was weird and symbolizes something that I can’t think of at the moment. It was about this man ( I don’t know who he is) but he became obsessed with my family. He wouldn’t leave us alone. He went after my sister. Then my parents let him in the house and he never went away. You could lock your doors and shut your blinds and he would still be there, waiting. No matter what window you looked out, he was starting back at you. I don’t know happened but I remember looked down at my shin and my shin was covered in C’s as if someone branded me. The C’s are what’s making me thinking it’s symbolic for something coming, but what? Or a warning to something with a C. My boyfriend’s name is Calvin. We might be getting a new cat? There’s a stray on the front porch that we recently kind of claimed. I have no idea. I warned my mom about something because it mostly dealt with them and my sister’s name is Katie. I don’t know.

Then, I had a nightmare that our basement caught on fire.

Then, I guess I had a dream that my boyfriend’s friend hit a deer.

I was asleep on the couch and my boyfriend is next to me playing PS4 and I guess I had a dream about someone coming after me or something, but I did something that I haven’t done in a while. I woke up, but my brain was still in my dream. My boyfriend leaned over me and I woke up. He looked like a long black shadow. I screamed. He thought it was funny, but my heart was racing. I was really scared. I started crying.

Two night ago, I just remember my boyfriend getting stabbed in the side by this guy and i turned around and stabbed that guy. My boyfriend didn’t die or bleed but it didn’t change the fact that it happened as innocent (?), nonthreatening (?), as it may seem. The guy I didn’t recognize  at first, but then I realized that he looked similar to this local guy who was arrested for killing this missing woman and hiding her body for a month and a half. So I guess it makes sense because I was well read on that story and it worries me even though he is locked up. Still crazy, you know?

For some reason, I’ve been dreaming about my old GM and her family. In real life that family has caused me so much pain and stress and worry that I never should have had to go through. There are still secrets untold about them. Doesn’t help that I saw her son and his friend at my work about a week ago and it sent me into a panic attack.

Anyway, I’ve had two dreams where the son and boyfriend (husband) of my old GM has messed with me. I think both times on my car.  For some reason, the family has been attending my church. They would appear when I was with my boyfriend and etc. The last instance that I remember was from this past night where they took off my passenger door and back passenger door and somehow switched them so I couldn’t shut the doors and I had to use bungee cords to shut them.

Last night’s dream was about a ghost? I drove up to this person’s house and they were being haunted by this boy who hanged himself in the house somewhere. I feel like I watched him tear down the panels and tie the noose. Then, I was at work and I was late because of the doors being on the wrong way. And they said the ghosts name was Jacob or I knew that his name was Jacob. I think I was trying to release Jacob or something. It was weird, but like with all of these dreams, they continued all night. I could wake from the dream, but as soon I fall back to sleep, it continued. It was like I needed to know what happened. And I don’t know what happened to Jacob or anything because my boyfriend got up to play PS4 and I’m afraid what I will see if I sleep without him there. I don’t know, but it’s weird.

I feel like these are all connected somehow and I haven’t pieced it together yet.

The ghost named Jacob is from my real life. We visited an old distillery and there is supposedly a ghost named Jacob who was killed by his father for the company. And the last living relative hanged himself in his room, so those make sense. And I have a fear of those men. But I don’t get the rest. If anyone else can piece this together and I can’t see it, let me know. I don’t remember too many details to some dreams just the bigger picture.

Tornado

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I know that I should be doing the homework that is piling up all around me, but I can’t help think about the time when I wasn’t alone. When I started college, I had a boyfriend who loved me more than anything. I thought he was perfect for me. I was happy, or so I thought. We planned on getting married one day, as all young kids do. I trusted him.

Well this isn’t about him.

Me and him carpooled to school every day. His friend, Ian, and my friend, Maddy, rode with us. We were a pretty happy quad. Me being me I often felt left out, but again not the point. I still had a group of people that I hung out with. At lunch, I wasn’t alone as I am now. It was fun.

I miss those days. I miss walking to Subway or Dairy Queen. I miss sitting in the big booths with TV. I never looked like a freak being alone, as I do now.

After the second semester, Ian dropped out. He didn’t need the degree, he went to a technical school while getting his high school diploma. He could get a job with that alone.

Also, that semester, I broke up with that boyfriend of 2 years to be with a boy I was talking to for 3 days. That boy was the ruin of my life (the one I broke up with the one for. See Drugged if you would like). The boyfriend of 2 years begged and fought for me. I didn’t even consider giving him a second chance. I realized in those 3 days that I didn’t want to marry him and I stopped loving him a long time ago. Kissing him made me nauseous.

So in 2 semesters we lost half of our carpool crew. It was just Maddy and I; best friends for 10 or so years. I thought we would be friends forever. Well that same guy that ruined my life, broke us up by getting me to start smoking regularly. She was against that. I hid it from her for a year and I was tired of hiding it. I still took her to school, but she didn’t connect with me. Plus she only needed me for a ride, so that was that.

Now I see her walking with her new ride/old friend. She says hi and we will talk, but I miss her. I am alone.

Within 3 years I lost everything that I used to have. I lost my friends, loving boyfriend (even though I fell out of love with him), my bank account, love of my family, my innocence, my good grades, everything.

Now I struggle to pay the bills, I am becoming a B student, not an A student. I pretend to be multiple people that others want me to be. I drink and smoke more to control my anxiety. College is supposed to help you find who you are supposed to be, not confuse you even more. Now I don’t even know if I’m in the right field…I’m over halfway done and considering dropping out or switching. I’m just becoming more and more of a disappointment to my family.

I look back on my freshmen year and things were so easy. I just had to worry about work and school. I didn’t have to worry about seeing my boyfriend because he was here with me. I was with him all day every day because he wanted to be.

Sometimes I would give anything to go back and change everything. Not talk to the guy who ruined me and maybe I could have loved that other guy again. Maybe I would be married by now. Maybe we would have a place together and be content, settled.

My life is chaos. A tornado. I’m in the eye, trying to hang on to my sanity and what’s left of the old me, but every second a finger is slipping.

 

Can Never Be

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We can never be,

Despite your decree.

I can never beat her.

She’s the one you wanted for sure.

She broke your heart,

I didn’t have a chance from the start.

She left you homeless,

But she was your princess.

She holds your fondest memory.

Leaving our future in jeopardy.

You hold me at night,

Images of her assuredly burning bright.

She took of best of you,

Now you’re as good as a used tissue.

I know I’ve brought up the issue.

You call me insecure,

And I kinda know what for,

But can you blame me?

There’s no bitterness in your voice,

Don’t say you have no choice.

You gave up,

The minute we said, what’s up?”

I know you’ve tried,

But you lied.

You still love her,

Crave her.

Feelings for me a blur.

I tried to take her place,

But there wasn’t enough space

In your heart for me.

One day, when I’m gone you’ll see.

You’re in love,

But not with me.

 

PS4

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Dear boyfriend,

I fear things are coming to an end.

I think we have been in denial.

This has been going on a while.

You don’t care about me.

I have tried to make you see.

You traded me in for a PS4.

I can show myself the door.

It is all you think about,

Care about,

Dream about.

You care about the men on the mic,

More than I like.

I learn more about your past

When I walk past.

You don’t see me anymore.

You act like spending time with me is a chore,

Saying, “I love you,” a bore,

Where, with you, I adore.

You have found your new muse,

So I guess I lose.

You are the one I chose.

But, I guess, this is goodbye.

I’ll cut all ties.

See you at your wedding.

You made your bedding.

Love,

The glass doll

Average

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Average is one of the first things my boyfriend called me.

He said and I quote, “You’re pretty, but not that pretty. You’re average.”

He knew me 4 days and knew that I was average in more ways than looks.

Sometimes I feel like such a low level average person that I wonder why I am even alive. There is nothing that I can do amazingly well.

What is an average persons purpose in life?

But my issue is, I must be a special kind of average because even regular average people have friends.

Me. I don’t have real friends. I have people who use me for things. At school, I have “friends” who I talk to like real friends would, but we don’t text or hang out. The only time they text is to make sure that we didn’t have homework. When the semester is over, I won’t hear from them until they have another school related question.

I don’t know why I don’t have real friends. I’m awkward to talk to. I share a little much. I get annoyed at people and push the few candidates who try to befriend me.

Truth is, I’m just a loner. A loner is average. I can’t even be a loner properly because I am not choosing to be alone anymore. I pathetically desire human contact, friends, someone to listen, to prioritize me and care about me and not tell me to shut up because they don’t care about what I’m saying.

And, I guess, that’s why I made this blog. I don’t have people who care to listen to what I have to say. I could tell my family but to them I’m someone else. Plus my own family doesn’t always care about what I have to say. Ever since I was little people have been telling me to shut up. Even my own mother.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!

You may be thinking, “Oh, well, what about your asshole boyfriend that called you average?”

Yeah….He doesn’t care either. I used to tell him about my day at work until he said, “Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t know these people, so I don’t want to hear about them.” He doesn’t talk to me much anymore. I ask him to text me when I’m away and he refuses.

Am I really that horrible to hold a conversation with?

My boyfriend tells me that I don’t know how to speak, how to talk to people. I guess I’m even average when I speak.

Only until recently the loneliness started bothering me.

Maybe low level average people are just put here on Earth to guide the not average people to achieving their dreams. Used as a stepping stool. Our purpose isn’t clear or the same for everyone. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take until I can finish my purpose and return home. Then I won’t be lonely anymore and someone might care…

 

Second Best

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I knew when we started talking that he still loved his ex. He was able to pinpoint that I still loved Alex maybe an hour after meeting me. Maybe not even. I didn’t question it. I didn’t question anything at that point about him. I just wanted someone to fill the void. In a way, I was the someone to fill his void or spot in his heart. I was the female company that he occasionally craved but the one he truly craved didn’t want the spot in his heart. He was lonely and so was I. I liked that we were in the same position, so I didn’t feel like I was so pathetic ( and I was). Now, 9(?) months later, I moved on and gave him the key to my heart and promise. I don’t think we moved on though. I think he still loves her. He was getting better until I bought him that fucking PS4. He used to play on hers and took her headset. Another example of how I’m second best.

Do you know how it feels to know that they don’t really love you, but the idea of someone? Every time we have sex, I swear he is imagining it with her. In the beginning when we were first starting to, he asked me if I ever thought of anyone else. I didn’t question it and thought he was self-conscious. Now I think he was asking so he didn’t feel guilty if we were imagining other people.

I want to go into detail about the few texts between them but I’m not ready to. They upset me too much. He was just perfect and romantic with her and said how much he loved her and exactly how I would kill for him to be like, but won’t ever be with me. She wanted nothing to do with him. I would love it if he asked to spend time with me. He found his true love and she rejected him. Now, it seems like he is treating me like she treated him as a sick revenge.

Sometimes I think he does, but others I think he just thinks of me as a room mate and so pussy when he feels like it. He doesn’t want a real life with me. He told me last night that he sometimes loves me, sometimes not. How can you even love me at all?

I annoy him more than I do attract him. We argue more than we talk and spend our days farther apart than we do together. He doesn’t tell me his day or ask about anything. (My grandma was taken away by 2 ambulances last Thursday and he hasn’t asked once how she is doing).

He doesn’t really care. I just help pay the bills.

Dear Parents

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Dear Parents,

I am not the child you think you raised. I became the child you trained me not to be. I have rejected and threw away everything you ever taught me. I drink, I smoke, I cuss, I had premarital sex. I live in sin with my boyfriend, a man who probably doesn’t even truly love me. I don’t tell you that part, but I know you can see it too.

With every visit, I can see the recognition fade from your eyes. You are starting to see the daughter you didn’t raise. The kind of person you look down on. The old me isn’t gone yet, but its becoming more and more translucent. She won’t ever completely leave, as long as I remember the good times.

Yes, I miss you guys too. I think about you all every day. I remember summers ago and smile. I remember and value more than you think. All of the miniature golf games at the beach. The frustrating fishing trips. The running through the sprinkler. Carving pumpkins. Sitting on the swing outside and throw acorns. Getting pizza while we were waiting for our new house to be installed. That’s just off the top of my head.

They come to me, mostly when I’m high and off to work. You must be soo proud of me…..not.

I had a great childhood. I have such a caring and loving family and church family. I had great pets. I had everything I ever wanted. You both loved us so much and would do anything for me. Now, now that I have seen the world more and lived in it a little bit, I have so much more appreciation and love for you guys. We were so blessed to have you.

Mom, as much as I love you and miss your hugs, you annoy the hell out of me. I can’t be with you too long or things go back to square one, why I left. I appreciate all you still do for me. I know I’m ungrateful.

I think I finally figured out why I can’t go home or be around any of you. Every time I leave I get  sad, depressed, guilty, angry. It reminds me of who I used to be, who I can never become again. I am way past the point of return. I stay away to run away from who I am supposed to be. I am nothing but a disappointment. I can’t do anything right.  I moved out to get away from hearing it, but I still do, just not from you. I hear it from my boss at work, my boyfriend at home, and from myself. I am useless. I hate myself as much as you guys love me. The only people who ever will love me that much.

I pretend to be okay. I pretend things are not as bad as they seem. Every now and then an imperfection surfaces and I have to lie and lie and lie just to cover it up with more lies. I am better at lying than I ever would have liked.

I’m sorry I let you guys down. I do love you. I don’t love myself.

 

Things I’ll Never Admit

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The things I’ll never admit are:

  1. I will admit that I don’t have any friends. I act like it doesn’t bother me and that I don’t need friends. In reality, it bothers me a lot. I feel defective like I will never find a friend outside of my boyfriend at the time. My “friends” only talk to me when they need something or are lonely. They don’t message me or tag me in memes or anything. I’m replaceable.
  2. I think the reason I don’t have friends is because people annoy me. If I’m not talking to my boyfriend, I get bored of people and stop talking to them. Or I don’t feel like hanging out with people. I’m weird, but now I know weird people like me and I still don’t fully fit in. I’ve never fit in. I remember in 1st or 2nd grade having one of the girly girls in my class try to teach me how to be a lady.
  3. I can understand why people don’t really like me. I don’t even like myself. I annoy myself. There’s another voice, another part of me that yells at the annoying me. I hate everything about myself. I think often of hurting myself, but in a fighting sort of way. As if I’m someone entirely and I’m beat the shit out of someone else. I am not one.
  4. The only time I am remotely happy with myself is whenever I’m skinny. I have to be bony and fragile to be pleased and feel beautiful. I see how I looked a few years ago and then I see who I became. Fat, disgusting, useless, dumb, can’ t do anything right. The voice yells at me for becoming this person. It makes me regret eating. I want to throw it up when it starts feeding me half truths that I still believe.
  5. I’m losing weight now. I almost cried when I saw the scale go down today. I rub my hip bones and ribs that are starting to poke out again. I feel my collar bones. I admire my thinning face, but I know that I have a long journey until I go back to where I used to be. The voice says, “You’re still gross. Your thighs are too big and lumpy.
  6. To be honest,  I don’t even think my boyfriend really wants to be with me. I don’t think he really loves me. I think that he is with me because he knows that he can’t afford the house without me. He is too broken from the past to be able to love me. I try to understand but he makes it hard. He is too stubborn to listen to what I have to say or my thought process. He sees his point of view and that’s it. He won’t even listen to what I have to say.
  7. I don’t regret being with him. I love him more than he wants me to love him. He has introduced me to a different type of people, people that are like me. I love the life I live with him, but I hate that he is 9 years older, has a child and a baby mama. I hate his band that are getting bigger. I can’t change any of those, but if I knew from the get go that he had a child, I wouldn’t have picked him. I would have chosen the other dude. I don’t mess with sloppy seconds. Because he has a son, he is like scared to do anything. He takes his lessons out on me.
  8. I regret moving out. I’m broke. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pay our bills. I miss my always clean house and always had food. I didn’t have to worry about broken sinks, leaky basements, bitchy landlords. late fees. He doesn’t make anything and I’m going back to school. I’m so fucked.
  9. I don’t regret dating my last boyfriend. I was so happy with him. I have my favorite memories with him that I will always remember and hold dear. I think he was my first true love.