I am not the child you think you raised. I became the child you trained me not to be. I have rejected and threw away everything you ever taught me. I drink, I smoke, I cuss, I had premarital sex. I live in sin with my boyfriend, a man who probably doesn’t even truly love me. I don’t tell you that part, but I know you can see it too.
With every visit, I can see the recognition fade from your eyes. You are starting to see the daughter you didn’t raise. The kind of person you look down on. The old me isn’t gone yet, but its becoming more and more translucent. She won’t ever completely leave, as long as I remember the good times.
Yes, I miss you guys too. I think about you all every day. I remember summers ago and smile. I remember and value more than you think. All of the miniature golf games at the beach. The frustrating fishing trips. The running through the sprinkler. Carving pumpkins. Sitting on the swing outside and throw acorns. Getting pizza while we were waiting for our new house to be installed. That’s just off the top of my head.
They come to me, mostly when I’m high and off to work. You must be soo proud of me…..not.
I had a great childhood. I have such a caring and loving family and church family. I had great pets. I had everything I ever wanted. You both loved us so much and would do anything for me. Now, now that I have seen the world more and lived in it a little bit, I have so much more appreciation and love for you guys. We were so blessed to have you.
Mom, as much as I love you and miss your hugs, you annoy the hell out of me. I can’t be with you too long or things go back to square one, why I left. I appreciate all you still do for me. I know I’m ungrateful.
I think I finally figured out why I can’t go home or be around any of you. Every time I leave I get sad, depressed, guilty, angry. It reminds me of who I used to be, who I can never become again. I am way past the point of return. I stay away to run away from who I am supposed to be. I am nothing but a disappointment. I can’t do anything right. I moved out to get away from hearing it, but I still do, just not from you. I hear it from my boss at work, my boyfriend at home, and from myself. I am useless. I hate myself as much as you guys love me. The only people who ever will love me that much.
I pretend to be okay. I pretend things are not as bad as they seem. Every now and then an imperfection surfaces and I have to lie and lie and lie just to cover it up with more lies. I am better at lying than I ever would have liked.
I’m sorry I let you guys down. I do love you. I don’t love myself.