Confessions of a Young Girl That Thought She Could Do It All

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I am only 19 years old, soon to be 20.

I thought that I could be an adult.

I am not doing bad.

I have great help and support; my boyfriend.

If it wasn’t for him I would not be able to do this.

He keeps the house clean while I’m at school or work all the time.

He never complains.

He even makes me dinner.

I am extremely lucky.

We do not lack food or basic needs.

We have some luxury things from life before this new house.

We have some money.

We are happy and love each other dearly.

Where I’m failing is my sanity.

I need to shop and get more milk and bread.

But I have to research exercises in Linguistics, make a Powtoon, and read 2 chapters by Friday.

I have work…again…tonight.

Against my wishes, I’m still full-time.

I’m full-time manager and full-time student.

I am part-time in my home life and family life.

I feel like I’m going insane!

I have so much I need to do that gets put on the back burner.

I’m surviving but by a thread.

Living with my parents I didn’t have to worry about bills or when I can go to my mom’s to wash clothes until we can afford a washer and a dryer.

We have so much that we need  to do to get fully settled and it’s not fair to him to do it all while I go to school or work. It’s something we need to do together.

I never get to chill and hang out with friends.

I never get to just sit down.

If it is not homework it is dishes or cleaning of some sorts.

I need a break.

Three more months….

Advertisements

Dear Child

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Dear child,

I am nothing to you.

Just a title.

The girlfriend.

You have no memories associated with me.

And I of you.

I am just the lady that showed up one night.

We didn’t speak.

I watched you.

Observed you.

You are so much like your father that you don’t even know yet.

Might never know.

He loves you.

He thought about you all the time.

I thought about you on occasion.

He wanted to see you.

He wanted to be a part of your life.

She wouldn’t let him.

It seems that she tried to erase all memories of him from your life.

I don’t know why.

He’s a great man.

He really is.

You’re lucky to have him as your dad.

He really cares even if it’s not the conventional way.

I had to learn that the hard way.

I don’t know you.

As you don’t know me.

You may grow to love me.

And I you.

You may get to that age where you want your real parents together.

I would understand.

I don’t dislike you.

I barely know you.

I may be a little jealous.

His attention is more on you now instead of me.

I’ll do my best to be your step-mom

If that is what he wants.

Or chooses.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Here.

Want this cheesecake?

No.

Okay.

I’m not a mother.

I’m barely not a child.

I am nothing to you.

Just a title.

If I’m lucky.

You may know my face.

Your father…

He loves us both very much.

He will do what he can for both of us.

But no matter what.

You will always be the first thing on his mind.

He loves you.

Show him that respect.

Please.

Give him that chance.

Let him be a part of your life.

He has missed so much already.

I can share him.

He was yours first.

Don’t let him miss any more.

Signed,

Your dad’s new girlfriend

 

 

Round In Circles

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I don’t know what to think anymore. Alex has completely turned my life upside down. There is no such thing as normalcy with him in your life. I thought we were okay as friends, but as soon as he knew that I had another boyfriend he was back in my life trying to make me his again.

The boyfriend I have now is nice, but…he’s not Alex. Alex is a hurricane. He never brings anything good, but I love him so much. Calvin is good to me but can be annoying. He’s is attractive and loyal and straightforward with me; any girl would be lucky to have him. I’m just stuck on Alex who is a piece of shit. I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him, but I love him. He is toxic to me and too much will kill me.

Calvin tries. He freezes so I can be warm. He was there for me when I was indecisive about wanting to be with him. He stayed up with me because I didn’t want to be alone. He heard me cry and at my weakest. He’s not perfect. He is a mooch and  annoying but he is real and just wants love and happiness. He would be there for me. He wants to build a life with me.

And I’m willing to throw it away…again…for someone who tosses me out like leftovers. Alex uses me for money, sex, and other things. He doesn’t want his interest free bank to leave him. He is fine alone until he hears I’ve moved on and am happy. He’s all sweet and loving for now until he feels pressured and restricted. Then he will leave. Maybe he just wants sex and then he will leave. Maybe I should just have sex with him to see if that is what he wants.If it is I won’t hear from him for a few weeks.

Lately he has been clingy and loving. He wants me to constantly text him and see him, which isn’t like him. I don’t know what is wrong with him. I don’t know if the drugs are messing with him brain or what. He never cared about texting or being with me. He has to be trying to wheel me in..has to be. He has told me even recently that it was best not to get into anything that I’m the reason why his mental health and physical health declined (I wasn’t) and that he worked too hard to get where he was that he didn’t want to risk the backslide in progress. Why in a few days did he change his mind and now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me? I know he doesn’t trust me and that is his way to monitor me. I know him…I don’t trust him either, but I love him.

I don’t want to fuck this up if he is serious though. IF  he really wants me back and to make this work, then I want to give him my all. IF he truly loves me, then I want to love him the best  I can. IF,IF, IF, IF!  I don’t know what to think. I would be an idiot to take him back. Especially, throw away a good man like Calvin for someone who doesn’t really love me.

I want Alex. I want the physical connection that we have. I want to be happy and help him so we can love each other comfortably. He is loving and sweet now but will he in a week or two?

I will always love him…

Drugged

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

I have been drugged by you.
I was intravenously injected with false love and happiness by you.
I trusted you.
You took advantage of me when I was the weakest and let my guard down.
You saw it as a perfect opportunity to make me yours.
I got addicted to you in the worst way.
I couldn’t get enough of you.
I spent money on you.
I invested time and money for you.
I became jealous and greedy because of you.
I itched to see you.
I craved your presence or tiny part of you.
I NEEDED YOU AND YOU THREW ME ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!
I had to learn how to recover from you.
I didn’t want anything BUT you.
I wanted just one more taste of you.
One more sniff.
One more look.
Before you were gone.
I shook at night because I craved your touch.
I itched to pick up my phone to beg for you back.
I knew you weren’t good for me.
I knew that this was for the best.
Eventually…
Eventually, I learned again to live without you.
I relapse.
I twitch when I hear your name.
I sweat when I see someone who looks like you.
I break down when I hear your favorite song.
The drug will never be out of my system.
You have claimed me in the worst of ways.
You intravenously injected me with false love and happiness.
Because of you I forgot how to truly love or be happy.
I became addicted to you.
I can never stop.
You are my favorite drug.
You numbed my pain when I had you.
Now that I’m alone…
The pain is more intense.
Worse than I ever have known.
You drugged me.

Relapse

Tags

, , , ,

Yesterday, you know, I was okay. I was good for almost two days with no tears. I was really over him and couldn’t stand him. I figured if he wanted to be an asshole like that then let him. I still haven’t text him and don’t plan on it. It’s like as soon as I got to work someone ripped the mask  I was hiding behind and exposed my vulnerability to everyone. I used to love going to work; it was my escape but now I strive to escape work. Everyone knows him, the situation, and even her, so they have a real opinion on it. I can’t just ignore it. There is so many memories there with us and they come back at me flashing violently in front of me, attacking me.

I was so full of hate for him that I kept tearing him down. I was happy for once. Then my friend told me that she heard they were just hooking up (which makes it worse for me). I couldn’t help myself. I fought back the tears for as long as I could and then I went out back and bawled. It’s not ideal I know, but I can’t cry in front of the customers or the crew because they will be looking at me weird or asking what’s wrong. My sanity came out and talked to me. I can’t talk to many people when I’m upset but I can in front of him. He has been so wonderful to me during the whole breakup, always being there for me. He doesn’t try to get with me, he keeps his space. I call him my sanity because I would be lost without him. Eventually, I went back in, but my mood was completely drained. I didn’t talk much or anything. I just wanted to be alone.

After that it seemed like things went downhill. It was really busy and I still had to do breaks and I had no idea how that was going to happen. I was in the cooler getting applesauce and this big, plastic bin fell on my head, but I kept going didn’t even pick it up. I just wanted to cry and give up. Then the freezer door wouldn’t stay open and I was just so frustrated that I snapped. I cried and cried. Once again my sanity came to my rescue. Then my GM tells me I’m closing Saturday and so does he…

Saturday will either bring two things: non-stop tears or he will fall back in love with me or maybe both. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I can’t deal with being with him six hours like that, especially if he doesn’t love me anymore.

I thought that I had finally won, but once again he has the upper hand. I can tell that today is going to be another day like today.

Heart Broken

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I’m finally back at school. In some ways it couldn’t come fast enough and the others I wish it lasted a little longer. Regardless, I’m back on campus and I am more than ready to be here. I’ve missed my friends, professors, and even the work. It gives me something to do that’s for sure, especially since Alex and I broke up (as soon as I typed that Adele’s Hello  comes on).

The breakup came as a surprise and shock to all of us. Everyone knew that we were on rocks, but he never once expressed wanting to split until the last week or two before hand. For the first three days I thought it was my fault. If I had done this differently or that differently then maybe he wouldn’t have left me, I kept thinking. He said he needed to be alone and think about us. I tried getting him back, begging him that I would change and I only loved him. Finally he said to just stop that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore or didn’t love me and he wanted to be friends, which is something he said he could never do. Then I find out yesterday that he is with another girl from my work and things escalated.

No. I am not okay. I’m better than I was, but I’m still not better. I’m over him, I think. I’m not happy. It still hurts. I have a great support system and awesome friends who are helping me out. If there’s anything I learn from this breakup is who my true friends are and that nothing lasts forever even if its promised. Things change in the blink of an eye. A second is a day. A minute is a week. An hour is a year. A year is a lifetime.

Nothing matters anymore to me. I lost the one thing that meant the most to me, so what do I have to look forward to or even anything to lose. I felt alive when I was with him, but only now without him do I take risks without caring. I’ve been talking to more people. I talked to my abusive ex yesterday and was able to laugh with him. I have been putting myself out there to hang out with more people. I just don’t care. I don’t know whether to thank him or flip him off (which he did to me yesterday when I passed him).

I’m getting better each day or so I think. Maybe I’m getting worse. I care less and less each day about anything. I already lost 5 pounds since Saturday because I can’t eat or if I do I only eat half of it. I don’t care.

I don’t know if I’m heart broken or just broken. I will write more now that I have daily internet access all day long and half the time nothing to do or anyone to talk to.

Doll House Update: Promotion

Tags

, , , , ,

I know I don’t post much and that’s only because I work and never have the internet to do it. I have been needing in the internet for more important things like completing a mandatory training on how to report child abuse for my clearances. I had to finish the training at my boyfriend’s house. I, also, have to complete this “training” for work. It is all common sense and is really stupid that I have to do them, but in order to get management, I have to.

Honestly, I gave up on the idea a while ago. They said that they weren’t interested in a part-time manager and that’s all I can work since I’m in school. My GM kept promising she would talk to the big guns about it, but never did until now. She told me last week that they are completely on board with my set schedule and willing to work with me. I talked to the big guys and they were mostly concerned with how much I can work or if I can keep up with my school load too. I know that it will be stressful, but it’s a part of my job. I have been wanting a raise for a year. This is my way to do it. I will be giving up a lot of my freedoms but at least I will be getting paid more.

Second Chances

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Real second chances don’t exist. Real second chances are supposed to mean change. People are supposed to change so they don’t keep doing the undesired thing they promised they wouldn’t. But that’s just it! People don’t change. If that person really cared about you, they wouldn’t have done the Undesirable in the first place.

Second chances are for the foolish. The foolish convince themselves that people are capable of change when in any other circumstance they would know better. When the Undesirable is completed, the person at fault is crying and begging to be given another chance. Subconsciously, they both know it will happen again eventually. It’s all a trick of the mind and a test of willpower.

Second chances are given in denial. More often than not, the foolish doesn’t want to believe that it really happened or their loved one could be so moronic, so they don’t have choice but to believe it didn’t really happen. But, in doing so, both sides are to blame. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but it shouldn’t be treated with another chance to complete the Undesirable.

Second chances are used to take advantage of the weak. It’s allowing the bully another kick to the ribs. Or rewarding the nasty child with an extra piece of pizza. It gives the winner another prize. The second chance instills in its mind that it got away with it once; it can do it again and again…and again and there’s nothing to stop it. The weak isn’t going to stand up for itself.

That’s all that second chances are good for. They don’t exist. They are something that we tell ourselves to make us feel better about the situation at hand. The problem is supposed to go away, but it doesn’t. It is just buried with a thin layer of dirt so that we can forget about it until the rain resurfaces it one day.

I am guilty of being both sides: the one who did the Undesirable and begged for another chance without intention of keeping it and now I am the foolish one allowing myself to be kicked repeatedly until I break out of submission. Second chances are a scam.

Finally The End

Tags

, , ,

I know that I didn’t get to finish the crazy story from a few months ago, but it’s still ongoing. My ex still causes me problems every now and then, trying to bust into my life and act like a friend. Things are just as crazy with Alex as they were two months ago. My life is overflowing with stress 24/7. At least now, school is out of the way. Grades are past the point of no return, so I pray that I get good grades.

I can’t imagine what this summer will hold. I’m not sure if I should be excited or worried. Regardless, I will get through it. Somehow…

But with all the negative there will be two more amazing adventures with Alex, my shadow boyfriend. He brings out a different but good side of me. Every time we are together we have wacky adventures, but I love it.

I just want to…relax..*sigh*

It’s Been A While

Tags

, , , , , , ,

It has been quite some time since I was able to post anything. The last three months have been crazy since the break up, new relationship, school decided to assign 6 big papers all at once, I got to experience the real struggle of being an education major, lack of sleep, working all the time, and the list goes on and on. I haven’t been able to do anything since I got back to school in January. Well the good news is that this week is my last for the summer. I will finally be able to sleep, make money, and relax! I plan on reading and writing a lot! As well as drinking a lot of coffee! When I have more time I will try to catch everyone up on all of my soap opera filled life that I call the Doll House. It’s easy to say that I am not the same person that I was three months ago. Let’s say that Alex has taught me how to live a little, rather than be so uptight and prude.

Write more soon!

-glassdoll411