Mystery Man

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Years ago when I started working at Burger King, there was this gorgeous guy that would come in. I didn’t say anything;I just took his order. I told my co-worker friend that I thought he was cute. She told him at her window and  I hid. His appearance there became few and far between. He would ride his motorcycle there with his friend. Then I stopped seeing him inside and only in drive-thru. Then it was sparatic that I  saw him; he worked for the oil company so he was always travelling out of state. We never usually talked much, just small chatting. My manager would tell me things about him and said he was not only incredibly hot but a genuinely nice guy. I can attest to that. Even though he knows that ugly and fat me find him to be attractive, he is still always so nice to me and not like he is faking it.

Well….a year later. I saw him again at my new job! I am taking it as a wonderful sign. Me and my guy aren’t doing so swell. Then not even an hour into my shift, he comes in with who I’m assuming to be his mother. I was agitated at all the people coming in, and I just happened to look in the line and I seriously only saw him. Like everyone around me didn’t exist for  a second. I looked at him and instantly recognized him and he looked at me. I, out of instinct and hope, waved and shly smiled. He smiled and said hi. Instantly, I told my coworker about him. She saw him and was gushing too, making comments. So, my mood improved drastically. I noticed that his back was to me so he wasn’t looking at me, but he turned sideways, waiting for his order to be called.. So I did like any other, loudly. He comes up and says, “I didn’t think you could be that loud.”

I said, “I have to be.”

He said, ” I guess so.” Then he walked away and that was that.

But…my coworker was like, “What did he say?”

I told her what he said and that he did it flirtingly. We went into the back where he couldn’t here and I squealed like a girl. Fuck, he is so hot.

I am not the type of girl to like get boy crazy and think people are drop dead, perfection. Or get all flustered around them either. If he was anyone other than him, I would have been making moves a long time ago. And so, it won’t ever happen. But it was nice to see that he remembered me.

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Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is the day that I have been dreading for months: his show. I’m under 21 so I can’t go to any of this shows. He has said that he could probably get me in, but he doesn’t want to get the whole bar in trouble. I don’t even want to drink. I want to on rare occasions, but most of the time I smoke. I don’t need alcohol then. I just want to go and watch my boyfriend. Yes, I mean watch him as in his show, but I also want to keep an eye on him. Girls hit on him and he never says that he has a girlfriend. He had the perfect opportunity at his last show to tell the two girls that he did. He just “let them see how far they would go”. We have talked about it over and over again. I’m still pissed and that was like 3 months ago.

I don’t think he would do anything. He hates being touched and he was anal about stuff when we were first getting together and ranting about his morals and values. I just worry about the drunk girls. We went to a wedding and this stupid flirty drunk chick was like poking his stomach and I like slinked around her about to knock her the fuck out. I won’t be there tomorrow to stop that stupid, flirty, drunk chick. I will be powerless. I will be waiting for him to get done so this nightmare will finally be over until the next one. I will be subjected to missed calls, no texts, hung up on, and begging him to come home because it is 2 in the morning and we both work. I will have to be pissed and unable to say anything because he is very intoxicated. At least he spills what happened. And I will just have to believe that he is telling me everything, not leaving anything out. I will never know the difference.

I requested the evening off from work. I shouldn’t because at least I will be at work until midnight or later and it will keep my mind off stuff. But, I have worked on his shows and it envelops my every thought, distracting me from what I should be doing. It’s not fair to the company or my coworkers and employees that I can’t focus. I stare at my phone and talk endlessly about my fears. I leave the floor to go call him. It is best if I am a basket case with a friend where I’m able to smoke and drink until I pass out or just don’t care. Maybe I will come to terms of it and be okay. All I can hope for is that he stays loyal and doesn’t flirt or get with them or have enough sense to say that he is taken or that he at least tells me and I can make the decision to stay.

As the time has been ticking by, my anxiety has been spiking. I cry more and are snippy.  Sometimes I withdraw from him. Sometimes I overlook signs that mean nothing and interpret them to be him distancing himself from me, not loving me anymore. It’s silly, but I can’t help but worry. I won’t relax until I pick him up from the bar and take him home.

I can’t keep doing this. Worrying about what he is going to do. My boyfriend does stupid stuff because of impulse all the time whether intoxicated or not. He goes places no one expects. He says, “Fuck it” and goes for it, because “you only live once.”

I just want to skip tomorrow.

Take 2

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It has been a long time since I have written and I am sorry. My boyfriend was hogging the good laptop (this one) and my shitty smaller one (not this one) won’t connect to the Internet so I was stranded with only paper and pen, which is great and my preference, but it also makes it less private. My boyfriend read some things that I didn’t want him to read. It wasn’t anything bad, just how I felt on certain things that I would never tell him myself.

Things got better between us after he read it. I don’t know if it is a coincidence or not, but it worked I guess. He told me he read them. And even though everything is there is about him, I still got the panicky, throat crushing anxiety of he read my personal thoughts. Which is why I love this blog! I write For Anyone Who Wants to listen (haha see what I did there?) and no one knows it was me. Who the glass doll really is? I can tell people, “Hey, I have a blog” but never show them it. Only a handful of people have seen it or even knows about it. Here I can be free and real. I don’t have to pretend anymore that my life is great. I don’t have to put up a show when I’m pissed or depressed.

I’ll say it here and now for the records; “MY LIFE IS SHIT!” It could be hell of a lot worse, but it is the shitty first time on your own kind of shitty. Dealing with cheap ass landlords who doesn’t give a fuck about us. Or what scary thing will happen in my house tonight? Or what will I find hidden in a drawer that was his grandfather’s? What bullshit will I have to put up with at work?

Our fridge went bad today. I had to work. It was my boyfriends birthday. Me and him are fighting all day. Yeah it is just normal life stuff. And I’m grateful for what I have. Now I just have to be not sober all of the time. I smoke a lot now. Anywhere from a gram to gram and a half or more. I smoke before work. The first thing that I do when I get home from work is smoke. I smoke to fall asleep because of the scary things. I smoke to get away from my life. I’m still here and I’m still aware of the shit but I don’t care as much. I think of things without emotion attached. Sometimes, my depression will still leak through the peace wall I have built. Those are not good times.

I don’t even know where to start about what is bothering me. My boyfriend is so sick and tired of hearing the same stuff, but yet won’t ever try to make me feel better or change them. It’s me and my fault for why I think that way.

I can’t help that I grew up being put down, called ugly, fat, annoying, and more. My aunt was comparing who had the better butt: me or my sister when we were under 10. She didn’t do it in a creepy way like it sounds; it was just a joke, but that stuff stays with someone. Everyone in my 3rd grade voting on my survey if they thought I was ugly or pretty and the majority voted ugly. People today still calling me annoying or telling me that they don’t care about what I am talking about. My words don’t leave an impression. I don’t leave people thinking about me and wanting to talk to me or see me or make a real friendship. I don’t like people that much anyway. But my point is he gets mad when I think negatively about myself and says it is in my head, but it isn’t my fault. It is everyone who contributed to my self image.

The problems don’t even end there, but my laptop is almost dead.

 

Monster

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We are the product of broken hearts.

We gave our all to those who couldn’t give us the time of day.

We put our trust in those who didn’t trust themselves.

We loved those who could never love anything.

We are the product of broken dreams.

We dreamt of a future with those who didn’t have one.

We dreamt of the perfect ending to a fabricated love story.

We dreamt of never losing someone who was already lost.

 

Another Time, Another Place

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If  I would have met you another time, another place

Would you have thought that I’m a waste of space?

Would you still have given me a taste?

Would you have given me a second chance?

Given us the chance?

Would we still have had that first dance?

Are we just a fluke?

Would I have made you puke?

Another time, another place

Would you have given me your grace?

Or left me without a trace?

Would you be here still?

At your will?

Would you still have asked me to chill?

Or still split the bill?

But that’s another time

Our life right now is sublime

Come on, let’s go get a dime.

Then it will be another time, another place.

Since you don’t think I’m a waste of space

Since you gave me your grace.

 

Older Man

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I have never been a fan of guys younger than me. Even when I was a little girl and I played with Barbies, the guy was always older, which is odd considering that my father is three years younger than my mother.

All the guys that I have dated or even liked were older than me. One was only three weeks older, one was 3 months, one was 2 years, one was 6 years, 15 years, and so on. Now, I am dating a guy who is 9 years older. I don’t mind the age difference, and he doesn’t either. A lot of other people don’t like the difference and it weird them out. I’m 19 and soon to be 20. He is 28 going on 29. He was 17 when I was in kindergarten. His son is only 12 years younger than me. Putting it in these perspectives make me realize that it is a big difference.

He has lived a wild, crazy life before I even knew him. If I had met him years ago, I wouldn’t be with him now. I wouldn’t want to be with that man. He is a much better person now (according to him).

He has loved other women before I was even a woman.

He has experienced practically everything with other people. Then here I am experiencing all of these amazing life changing events and he doesn’t bat an eye or care about it because it isn’t anything new or special.

We moved in together. He has already lived with multiple girlfriends.

He got me a kitten for Valentine’s Day. He has had animals with other girlfriends.

He has already experienced a pregnancy, a birth, and watched his son grow the first 2 years of his life. (Thank God, I’m not pregnant).

We go on walks but he already has so many memories from those places that he takes me.

He already told me crazy stories about our amusement park.

There isn’t anything left for us to experience together.

I was his first for only two things:

  1. First girl he slept with outside of a relationship
  2. First girl that he slept with in a car

That’s it!

It shouldn’t matter and most of the time it doesn’t. It just bothers me that I am to young to go to bars so he can’t go see shows or I can’t see his band play. I feel like I restrict him so much and I don’t want that to push him away. I’m not mad at him for being older or having had a life. I’m mad at myself because I am not older or have had a life.

We are happy. We are in love (even though how much is questionable).

Girls hope for a guy with experience (I did), but it is frustrating when there is nothing left for you to do.

What do you do with a guy who has done it all and you haven’t even scratched the surface?

Confessions of a Young Girl That Thought She Could Do It All

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I am only 19 years old, soon to be 20.

I thought that I could be an adult.

I am not doing bad.

I have great help and support; my boyfriend.

If it wasn’t for him I would not be able to do this.

He keeps the house clean while I’m at school or work all the time.

He never complains.

He even makes me dinner.

I am extremely lucky.

We do not lack food or basic needs.

We have some luxury things from life before this new house.

We have some money.

We are happy and love each other dearly.

Where I’m failing is my sanity.

I need to shop and get more milk and bread.

But I have to research exercises in Linguistics, make a Powtoon, and read 2 chapters by Friday.

I have work…again…tonight.

Against my wishes, I’m still full-time.

I’m full-time manager and full-time student.

I am part-time in my home life and family life.

I feel like I’m going insane!

I have so much I need to do that gets put on the back burner.

I’m surviving but by a thread.

Living with my parents I didn’t have to worry about bills or when I can go to my mom’s to wash clothes until we can afford a washer and a dryer.

We have so much that we need  to do to get fully settled and it’s not fair to him to do it all while I go to school or work. It’s something we need to do together.

I never get to chill and hang out with friends.

I never get to just sit down.

If it is not homework it is dishes or cleaning of some sorts.

I need a break.

Three more months….

Dear Child

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Dear child,

I am nothing to you.

Just a title.

The girlfriend.

You have no memories associated with me.

And I of you.

I am just the lady that showed up one night.

We didn’t speak.

I watched you.

Observed you.

You are so much like your father that you don’t even know yet.

Might never know.

He loves you.

He thought about you all the time.

I thought about you on occasion.

He wanted to see you.

He wanted to be a part of your life.

She wouldn’t let him.

It seems that she tried to erase all memories of him from your life.

I don’t know why.

He’s a great man.

He really is.

You’re lucky to have him as your dad.

He really cares even if it’s not the conventional way.

I had to learn that the hard way.

I don’t know you.

As you don’t know me.

You may grow to love me.

And I you.

You may get to that age where you want your real parents together.

I would understand.

I don’t dislike you.

I barely know you.

I may be a little jealous.

His attention is more on you now instead of me.

I’ll do my best to be your step-mom

If that is what he wants.

Or chooses.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Here.

Want this cheesecake?

No.

Okay.

I’m not a mother.

I’m barely not a child.

I am nothing to you.

Just a title.

If I’m lucky.

You may know my face.

Your father…

He loves us both very much.

He will do what he can for both of us.

But no matter what.

You will always be the first thing on his mind.

He loves you.

Show him that respect.

Please.

Give him that chance.

Let him be a part of your life.

He has missed so much already.

I can share him.

He was yours first.

Don’t let him miss any more.

Signed,

Your dad’s new girlfriend

 

 

Round In Circles

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I don’t know what to think anymore. Alex has completely turned my life upside down. There is no such thing as normalcy with him in your life. I thought we were okay as friends, but as soon as he knew that I had another boyfriend he was back in my life trying to make me his again.

The boyfriend I have now is nice, but…he’s not Alex. Alex is a hurricane. He never brings anything good, but I love him so much. Calvin is good to me but can be annoying. He’s is attractive and loyal and straightforward with me; any girl would be lucky to have him. I’m just stuck on Alex who is a piece of shit. I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him, but I love him. He is toxic to me and too much will kill me.

Calvin tries. He freezes so I can be warm. He was there for me when I was indecisive about wanting to be with him. He stayed up with me because I didn’t want to be alone. He heard me cry and at my weakest. He’s not perfect. He is a mooch and  annoying but he is real and just wants love and happiness. He would be there for me. He wants to build a life with me.

And I’m willing to throw it away…again…for someone who tosses me out like leftovers. Alex uses me for money, sex, and other things. He doesn’t want his interest free bank to leave him. He is fine alone until he hears I’ve moved on and am happy. He’s all sweet and loving for now until he feels pressured and restricted. Then he will leave. Maybe he just wants sex and then he will leave. Maybe I should just have sex with him to see if that is what he wants.If it is I won’t hear from him for a few weeks.

Lately he has been clingy and loving. He wants me to constantly text him and see him, which isn’t like him. I don’t know what is wrong with him. I don’t know if the drugs are messing with him brain or what. He never cared about texting or being with me. He has to be trying to wheel me in..has to be. He has told me even recently that it was best not to get into anything that I’m the reason why his mental health and physical health declined (I wasn’t) and that he worked too hard to get where he was that he didn’t want to risk the backslide in progress. Why in a few days did he change his mind and now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me? I know he doesn’t trust me and that is his way to monitor me. I know him…I don’t trust him either, but I love him.

I don’t want to fuck this up if he is serious though. IF  he really wants me back and to make this work, then I want to give him my all. IF he truly loves me, then I want to love him the best  I can. IF,IF, IF, IF!  I don’t know what to think. I would be an idiot to take him back. Especially, throw away a good man like Calvin for someone who doesn’t really love me.

I want Alex. I want the physical connection that we have. I want to be happy and help him so we can love each other comfortably. He is loving and sweet now but will he in a week or two?

I will always love him…

Drugged

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I have been drugged by you.
I was intravenously injected with false love and happiness by you.
I trusted you.
You took advantage of me when I was the weakest and let my guard down.
You saw it as a perfect opportunity to make me yours.
I got addicted to you in the worst way.
I couldn’t get enough of you.
I spent money on you.
I invested time and money for you.
I became jealous and greedy because of you.
I itched to see you.
I craved your presence or tiny part of you.
I NEEDED YOU AND YOU THREW ME ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!
I had to learn how to recover from you.
I didn’t want anything BUT you.
I wanted just one more taste of you.
One more sniff.
One more look.
Before you were gone.
I shook at night because I craved your touch.
I itched to pick up my phone to beg for you back.
I knew you weren’t good for me.
I knew that this was for the best.
Eventually…
Eventually, I learned again to live without you.
I relapse.
I twitch when I hear your name.
I sweat when I see someone who looks like you.
I break down when I hear your favorite song.
The drug will never be out of my system.
You have claimed me in the worst of ways.
You intravenously injected me with false love and happiness.
Because of you I forgot how to truly love or be happy.
I became addicted to you.
I can never stop.
You are my favorite drug.
You numbed my pain when I had you.
Now that I’m alone…
The pain is more intense.
Worse than I ever have known.
You drugged me.