Round In Circles


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I don’t know what to think anymore. Alex has completely turned my life upside down. There is no such thing as normalcy with him in your life. I thought we were okay as friends, but as soon as he knew that I had another boyfriend he was back in my life trying to make me his again.

The boyfriend I have now is nice, but…he’s not Alex. Alex is a hurricane. He never brings anything good, but I love him so much. Calvin is good to me but can be annoying. He’s is attractive and loyal and straightforward with me; any girl would be lucky to have him. I’m just stuck on Alex who is a piece of shit. I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him, but I love him. He is toxic to me and too much will kill me.

Calvin tries. He freezes so I can be warm. He was there for me when I was indecisive about wanting to be with him. He stayed up with me because I didn’t want to be alone. He heard me cry and at my weakest. He’s not perfect. He is a mooch and  annoying but he is real and just wants love and happiness. He would be there for me. He wants to build a life with me.

And I’m willing to throw it away…again…for someone who tosses me out like leftovers. Alex uses me for money, sex, and other things. He doesn’t want his interest free bank to leave him. He is fine alone until he hears I’ve moved on and am happy. He’s all sweet and loving for now until he feels pressured and restricted. Then he will leave. Maybe he just wants sex and then he will leave. Maybe I should just have sex with him to see if that is what he wants.If it is I won’t hear from him for a few weeks.

Lately he has been clingy and loving. He wants me to constantly text him and see him, which isn’t like him. I don’t know what is wrong with him. I don’t know if the drugs are messing with him brain or what. He never cared about texting or being with me. He has to be trying to wheel me in..has to be. He has told me even recently that it was best not to get into anything that I’m the reason why his mental health and physical health declined (I wasn’t) and that he worked too hard to get where he was that he didn’t want to risk the backslide in progress. Why in a few days did he change his mind and now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me? I know he doesn’t trust me and that is his way to monitor me. I know him…I don’t trust him either, but I love him.

I don’t want to fuck this up if he is serious though. IF  he really wants me back and to make this work, then I want to give him my all. IF he truly loves me, then I want to love him the best  I can. IF,IF, IF, IF!  I don’t know what to think. I would be an idiot to take him back. Especially, throw away a good man like Calvin for someone who doesn’t really love me.

I want Alex. I want the physical connection that we have. I want to be happy and help him so we can love each other comfortably. He is loving and sweet now but will he in a week or two?

I will always love him…



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I have been drugged by you.
I was intravenously injected with false love and happiness by you.
I trusted you.
You took advantage of me when I was the weakest and let my guard down.
You saw it as a perfect opportunity to make me yours.
I got addicted to you in the worst way.
I couldn’t get enough of you.
I spent money on you.
I invested time and money for you.
I became jealous and greedy because of you.
I itched to see you.
I craved your presence or tiny part of you.
I had to learn how to recover from you.
I didn’t want anything BUT you.
I wanted just one more taste of you.
One more sniff.
One more look.
Before you were gone.
I shook at night because I craved your touch.
I itched to pick up my phone to beg for you back.
I knew you weren’t good for me.
I knew that this was for the best.
Eventually, I learned again to live without you.
I relapse.
I twitch when I hear your name.
I sweat when I see someone who looks like you.
I break down when I hear your favorite song.
The drug will never be out of my system.
You have claimed me in the worst of ways.
You intravenously injected me with false love and happiness.
Because of you I forgot how to truly love or be happy.
I became addicted to you.
I can never stop.
You are my favorite drug.
You numbed my pain when I had you.
Now that I’m alone…
The pain is more intense.
Worse than I ever have known.
You drugged me.



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Yesterday, you know, I was okay. I was good for almost two days with no tears. I was really over him and couldn’t stand him. I figured if he wanted to be an asshole like that then let him. I still haven’t text him and don’t plan on it. It’s like as soon as I got to work someone ripped the mask  I was hiding behind and exposed my vulnerability to everyone. I used to love going to work; it was my escape but now I strive to escape work. Everyone knows him, the situation, and even her, so they have a real opinion on it. I can’t just ignore it. There is so many memories there with us and they come back at me flashing violently in front of me, attacking me.

I was so full of hate for him that I kept tearing him down. I was happy for once. Then my friend told me that she heard they were just hooking up (which makes it worse for me). I couldn’t help myself. I fought back the tears for as long as I could and then I went out back and bawled. It’s not ideal I know, but I can’t cry in front of the customers or the crew because they will be looking at me weird or asking what’s wrong. My sanity came out and talked to me. I can’t talk to many people when I’m upset but I can in front of him. He has been so wonderful to me during the whole breakup, always being there for me. He doesn’t try to get with me, he keeps his space. I call him my sanity because I would be lost without him. Eventually, I went back in, but my mood was completely drained. I didn’t talk much or anything. I just wanted to be alone.

After that it seemed like things went downhill. It was really busy and I still had to do breaks and I had no idea how that was going to happen. I was in the cooler getting applesauce and this big, plastic bin fell on my head, but I kept going didn’t even pick it up. I just wanted to cry and give up. Then the freezer door wouldn’t stay open and I was just so frustrated that I snapped. I cried and cried. Once again my sanity came to my rescue. Then my GM tells me I’m closing Saturday and so does he…

Saturday will either bring two things: non-stop tears or he will fall back in love with me or maybe both. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I can’t deal with being with him six hours like that, especially if he doesn’t love me anymore.

I thought that I had finally won, but once again he has the upper hand. I can tell that today is going to be another day like today.

Heart Broken


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I’m finally back at school. In some ways it couldn’t come fast enough and the others I wish it lasted a little longer. Regardless, I’m back on campus and I am more than ready to be here. I’ve missed my friends, professors, and even the work. It gives me something to do that’s for sure, especially since Alex and I broke up (as soon as I typed that Adele’s Hello  comes on).

The breakup came as a surprise and shock to all of us. Everyone knew that we were on rocks, but he never once expressed wanting to split until the last week or two before hand. For the first three days I thought it was my fault. If I had done this differently or that differently then maybe he wouldn’t have left me, I kept thinking. He said he needed to be alone and think about us. I tried getting him back, begging him that I would change and I only loved him. Finally he said to just stop that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore or didn’t love me and he wanted to be friends, which is something he said he could never do. Then I find out yesterday that he is with another girl from my work and things escalated.

No. I am not okay. I’m better than I was, but I’m still not better. I’m over him, I think. I’m not happy. It still hurts. I have a great support system and awesome friends who are helping me out. If there’s anything I learn from this breakup is who my true friends are and that nothing lasts forever even if its promised. Things change in the blink of an eye. A second is a day. A minute is a week. An hour is a year. A year is a lifetime.

Nothing matters anymore to me. I lost the one thing that meant the most to me, so what do I have to look forward to or even anything to lose. I felt alive when I was with him, but only now without him do I take risks without caring. I’ve been talking to more people. I talked to my abusive ex yesterday and was able to laugh with him. I have been putting myself out there to hang out with more people. I just don’t care. I don’t know whether to thank him or flip him off (which he did to me yesterday when I passed him).

I’m getting better each day or so I think. Maybe I’m getting worse. I care less and less each day about anything. I already lost 5 pounds since Saturday because I can’t eat or if I do I only eat half of it. I don’t care.

I don’t know if I’m heart broken or just broken. I will write more now that I have daily internet access all day long and half the time nothing to do or anyone to talk to.

Doll House Update: Promotion


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I know I don’t post much and that’s only because I work and never have the internet to do it. I have been needing in the internet for more important things like completing a mandatory training on how to report child abuse for my clearances. I had to finish the training at my boyfriend’s house. I, also, have to complete this “training” for work. It is all common sense and is really stupid that I have to do them, but in order to get management, I have to.

Honestly, I gave up on the idea a while ago. They said that they weren’t interested in a part-time manager and that’s all I can work since I’m in school. My GM kept promising she would talk to the big guns about it, but never did until now. She told me last week that they are completely on board with my set schedule and willing to work with me. I talked to the big guys and they were mostly concerned with how much I can work or if I can keep up with my school load too. I know that it will be stressful, but it’s a part of my job. I have been wanting a raise for a year. This is my way to do it. I will be giving up a lot of my freedoms but at least I will be getting paid more.

Second Chances


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Real second chances don’t exist. Real second chances are supposed to mean change. People are supposed to change so they don’t keep doing the undesired thing they promised they wouldn’t. But that’s just it! People don’t change. If that person really cared about you, they wouldn’t have done the Undesirable in the first place.

Second chances are for the foolish. The foolish convince themselves that people are capable of change when in any other circumstance they would know better. When the Undesirable is completed, the person at fault is crying and begging to be given another chance. Subconsciously, they both know it will happen again eventually. It’s all a trick of the mind and a test of willpower.

Second chances are given in denial. More often than not, the foolish doesn’t want to believe that it really happened or their loved one could be so moronic, so they don’t have choice but to believe it didn’t really happen. But, in doing so, both sides are to blame. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but it shouldn’t be treated with another chance to complete the Undesirable.

Second chances are used to take advantage of the weak. It’s allowing the bully another kick to the ribs. Or rewarding the nasty child with an extra piece of pizza. It gives the winner another prize. The second chance instills in its mind that it got away with it once; it can do it again and again…and again and there’s nothing to stop it. The weak isn’t going to stand up for itself.

That’s all that second chances are good for. They don’t exist. They are something that we tell ourselves to make us feel better about the situation at hand. The problem is supposed to go away, but it doesn’t. It is just buried with a thin layer of dirt so that we can forget about it until the rain resurfaces it one day.

I am guilty of being both sides: the one who did the Undesirable and begged for another chance without intention of keeping it and now I am the foolish one allowing myself to be kicked repeatedly until I break out of submission. Second chances are a scam.

Finally The End


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I know that I didn’t get to finish the crazy story from a few months ago, but it’s still ongoing. My ex still causes me problems every now and then, trying to bust into my life and act like a friend. Things are just as crazy with Alex as they were two months ago. My life is overflowing with stress 24/7. At least now, school is out of the way. Grades are past the point of no return, so I pray that I get good grades.

I can’t imagine what this summer will hold. I’m not sure if I should be excited or worried. Regardless, I will get through it. Somehow…

But with all the negative there will be two more amazing adventures with Alex, my shadow boyfriend. He brings out a different but good side of me. Every time we are together we have wacky adventures, but I love it.

I just want to…relax..*sigh*

It’s Been A While


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It has been quite some time since I was able to post anything. The last three months have been crazy since the break up, new relationship, school decided to assign 6 big papers all at once, I got to experience the real struggle of being an education major, lack of sleep, working all the time, and the list goes on and on. I haven’t been able to do anything since I got back to school in January. Well the good news is that this week is my last for the summer. I will finally be able to sleep, make money, and relax! I plan on reading and writing a lot! As well as drinking a lot of coffee! When I have more time I will try to catch everyone up on all of my soap opera filled life that I call the Doll House. It’s easy to say that I am not the same person that I was three months ago. Let’s say that Alex has taught me how to live a little, rather than be so uptight and prude.

Write more soon!


Soap Opera Part 2


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The perfect weekend ended and I had to face the heart-wrenching truth: I still had a boyfriend. I wasn’t guilty for what I did. In my mind, I’ve been single for months. I was planning on breaking up with him, I really was. I was waiting for the right time, but it seemed the right time never came. I got to the point when I didn’t care if we talked or even saw each other. He repulsed me and I couldn’t pretend to love him.

I told him that I didn’t want to hang out that night. I didn’t want to see him and I wanted to see Alex again. I told him that I had plans with my best friend. He said okay and then hours later he asked what he did. I told him nothing, which was partly true. After he kept hammering me with questions,  I told him that we needed a break, he needed to do him and I needed to do me. He stormed away, but kept texting me in class. He kept telling me that we could work things out, he would fix everything, and everything. As much as I wanted to cave, I didn’t. He asked to see me after class to talk about things; I agreed. I told him he couldn’t yell at me.

The scary thing was how calm he was. He was hurt, but hopeful. I told him the truth that I fell out of love with him. He didn’t believe me. He kept asking me who I was seeing. I told him. He kept saying that if I left Alex, he would drop it. I could even talk to him if I wanted, but not seeing him. I said no. I had to see Alex. He asked if I would give him a shot until the end of the semester. I said no. I told him that he had a week to make me love him again.  I told him I needed to think about things. He seemed generally okay, which kinda made things worse. He just cried. He didn’t yell. It hurt so bad that I cried in math.

I met up with Alex that night, so he could help me feel better. While we were out eating, I got a series of nasty texts from him. He screamed at me and called me a whore and that he hated me. I tried not answering him, but he would say, “What am I not good enough for a response?” Shortly after he would apologize.

This went on every day. He would scream at me and call me names, then turn around and apologize. Tuesday and Thursday was the worst. Those were the days we were alone. I dropped our friends off at their classes, and he didn’t have any classes yet. He would continue to talk to me about it,trying to win my heart. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t stand the chance. By Thursday, he knew he was wasting his energy. He was trying to guilt me into being with him by telling me that he wasn’t sleeping or eating or anything. When he saw it didn’t phase me, he got pissed and said that it wasn’t me, that the real me would care about him. When he heard my phone vibrate, he punched my dashboard. He heard my reminder and with spit flying, started screaming at my phone. I told him to get to class. He tells me to drive him to his building. I did. Then that’s when things got really concerning. He continued to yell at me, scream at me and call me names. He told me that I was selfish for cheating on him. He wanted me to tell everyone that I cheated; he wants everyone to know. He told me that I didn’t deserve to be happy. He said that someone should have screamed at me sooner and maybe I wouldn’t be like this. The worst part is that he was screaming inches from my face. I just wanted the conversation to be over, so I wasn’t even looking at him. I couldn’t help but start to cry. He thought I was starting to laugh at him…I told him to get to class. Finally, he did.

He stayed away from me after that. I don’t know where he went,but none of us missed him. It was kind of peaceful. He did text me to apologize, but he tried to blame it on the stages of grief. I told him it’s fine if he wants to talk to me, but he can’t scream at me. He said I’m the only person I could talk to. Then I called him to see if he  was done with class so we could leave early. I accidentally told him that I loved him at the end of the conversation. Our mouths dropped. He said, “Don’t say that to me.” I said, “I didn’t mean it.Bye.” That was horrible!

Thankfully, I didn’t have to see him the next day because he didn’t have any classes because spring break is this week. I don’t have to see him for almost two weeks! Hopefully, things get better these next few weeks with him.

Now if only we can keep things under wraps at work…wild fires spread quickly…

Soap Opera Part 1


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My life is always pretty eventful, but the past few days have been soap opera worthy.

On Monday, I finally broke up with my long-term boyfriend of two years. After all this time of putting up with his shit, him degrading me and putting me down, I finally got fed up and lost feeling for him. I stopped loving him… It sound harsh and it is. I stopped caring what he thought of me, if we hung out, or even if we talked. It was always about him, never about me or anyone else. I supported him and paid for dates, not him. He expected it in the end!

I never realized how fucked up he really got me. It’s going to take serious time and work to fix me.  I no longer allow anyone to give me money or buy me anything because if I assumed he was going to pay he would yell at me sometimes. I tend to cower and stay quiet when someone starts yelling at me. I don’t like conflict and so I stay away from it. It even got to the point where I don’t like to cry in a fight and keep it in because he would yell at me for crying. I have to obey every command so as to avoid arguments. And so on.

I didn’t want to leave him because we all ride to school together, it would affect routine and the other commuters. I was comfortable with him. I contemplated breaking up with him a million times and came close a few, but didn’t.

Well on February 21, things changed. I was closing oddly enough and we had new closers: people from day shift. The kid from day shift had always struck me as rude and an asshole. He didn’t even talk to anyone. He had a constant scowl on his face. He ruined my drive time one day when I went home early, so needless to say I was pissed. When I saw him closing with us, I wasn’t happy.

I talk to everyone and I noticed he was off, so I asked him. He told me he had depression and his meds made him feel like he was gonna pass out. I was freaked out and offered him my number because I am a nice person and I didn’t think he would even take it! Oh, he did! Then I’m like Pshhh! He’s not actually going to text me. Oh, he did! That night was the chillest that I ever saw him. He actually talked and laughed. He joked with me and this other guy. For the first time, I realized how cute he was when he was filtering: his long, shaggy brown hair, and, for some reason, I loved his nose. He was adorable!

The one guy, Ryan, always jokingly flirts with me like big time. He was even cracking jokes that the filtering guy, Alex, had a thing for me. Alex denied it and did the whole “Ew. Gross” routine. Alex let off subtle hints though like saying that Ryan had as big of a chance as he did:zero. It was amusing. Alex even stepped up and defended me a few times.

That night when I was emptying teas, he came over to me all the way from the sink and said, “Text me later, okay?” I said okay and I did.

We were just awkwardly talking about work and how it was going and I asked if him and Ryan were still talking. He said no and that I was the only one he wanted to talk to anyway. I asked why and he wouldn’t answer, just “Reasons”. The next day he revealed that he liked me and had since he met me. Then things escalated. I fell for him and he fell harder for me.

For some reason, I trust him. I don’t know why! I just do. I know he won’t cheat on me (He hates everyone but me and doesn’t talk to anyone).  He wants to make me happy. He’s patient with me. All of the things that my ex found annoying he loves. He literally loves everything about me. He is comfortable around me. He’s meeting my parents tonight and is trying to get them to like him by dressing up. He gave up sleep to talk to me. He doesn’t get angry with me (slightly frustrated but not mad). I can joke with him and he finds puns funny. He is intelligent. We both read and write (I can have someone read my stuff and discuss books over!!!). He is a hard-worker. He has responsibilities and takes care of them by himself. He’s cute! He isn’t judgmental. To everyone else, he is an unapproachable grouch, but I make him a teddy bear. Any mention of my name he starts smiling. For the past few nights after I get to bed he sends really long and sweet messages. He is absolutely perfect for me!

Last Friday he said that on Saturday he would hold my hand and kiss me. I was still with my ex, so I said no to the kiss. At the safety meeting, we secretly held hands under the table and then we met up at Wal-Mart and hung out until  I had to work. I couldn’t help myself and I kissed him. Like all first kisses they are nice but awkward.We both couldn’t stop giggling. He was so stupid happy.

The next day after we got off work, we met again at Wal-Mart and cuddled in my car in the parking lot. We were there until 3 am! I don’t regret it at all. It was absolutely perfect! We had taken a drive just to talk about everything and we got slightly lost, but it was fun. It will be our one of many adventures.