Tomorrow is the day that I have been dreading for months: his show. I’m under 21 so I can’t go to any of this shows. He has said that he could probably get me in, but he doesn’t want to get the whole bar in trouble. I don’t even want to drink. I want to on rare occasions, but most of the time I smoke. I don’t need alcohol then. I just want to go and watch my boyfriend. Yes, I mean watch him as in his show, but I also want to keep an eye on him. Girls hit on him and he never says that he has a girlfriend. He had the perfect opportunity at his last show to tell the two girls that he did. He just “let them see how far they would go”. We have talked about it over and over again. I’m still pissed and that was like 3 months ago.
I don’t think he would do anything. He hates being touched and he was anal about stuff when we were first getting together and ranting about his morals and values. I just worry about the drunk girls. We went to a wedding and this stupid flirty drunk chick was like poking his stomach and I like slinked around her about to knock her the fuck out. I won’t be there tomorrow to stop that stupid, flirty, drunk chick. I will be powerless. I will be waiting for him to get done so this nightmare will finally be over until the next one. I will be subjected to missed calls, no texts, hung up on, and begging him to come home because it is 2 in the morning and we both work. I will have to be pissed and unable to say anything because he is very intoxicated. At least he spills what happened. And I will just have to believe that he is telling me everything, not leaving anything out. I will never know the difference.
I requested the evening off from work. I shouldn’t because at least I will be at work until midnight or later and it will keep my mind off stuff. But, I have worked on his shows and it envelops my every thought, distracting me from what I should be doing. It’s not fair to the company or my coworkers and employees that I can’t focus. I stare at my phone and talk endlessly about my fears. I leave the floor to go call him. It is best if I am a basket case with a friend where I’m able to smoke and drink until I pass out or just don’t care. Maybe I will come to terms of it and be okay. All I can hope for is that he stays loyal and doesn’t flirt or get with them or have enough sense to say that he is taken or that he at least tells me and I can make the decision to stay.
As the time has been ticking by, my anxiety has been spiking. I cry more and are snippy. Sometimes I withdraw from him. Sometimes I overlook signs that mean nothing and interpret them to be him distancing himself from me, not loving me anymore. It’s silly, but I can’t help but worry. I won’t relax until I pick him up from the bar and take him home.
I can’t keep doing this. Worrying about what he is going to do. My boyfriend does stupid stuff because of impulse all the time whether intoxicated or not. He goes places no one expects. He says, “Fuck it” and goes for it, because “you only live once.”
I just want to skip tomorrow.