I knew when we started talking that he still loved his ex. He was able to pinpoint that I still loved Alex maybe an hour after meeting me. Maybe not even. I didn’t question it. I didn’t question anything at that point about him. I just wanted someone to fill the void. In a way, I was the someone to fill his void or spot in his heart. I was the female company that he occasionally craved but the one he truly craved didn’t want the spot in his heart. He was lonely and so was I. I liked that we were in the same position, so I didn’t feel like I was so pathetic ( and I was). Now, 9(?) months later, I moved on and gave him the key to my heart and promise. I don’t think we moved on though. I think he still loves her. He was getting better until I bought him that fucking PS4. He used to play on hers and took her headset. Another example of how I’m second best.
Do you know how it feels to know that they don’t really love you, but the idea of someone? Every time we have sex, I swear he is imagining it with her. In the beginning when we were first starting to, he asked me if I ever thought of anyone else. I didn’t question it and thought he was self-conscious. Now I think he was asking so he didn’t feel guilty if we were imagining other people.
I want to go into detail about the few texts between them but I’m not ready to. They upset me too much. He was just perfect and romantic with her and said how much he loved her and exactly how I would kill for him to be like, but won’t ever be with me. She wanted nothing to do with him. I would love it if he asked to spend time with me. He found his true love and she rejected him. Now, it seems like he is treating me like she treated him as a sick revenge.
Sometimes I think he does, but others I think he just thinks of me as a room mate and so pussy when he feels like it. He doesn’t want a real life with me. He told me last night that he sometimes loves me, sometimes not. How can you even love me at all?
I annoy him more than I do attract him. We argue more than we talk and spend our days farther apart than we do together. He doesn’t tell me his day or ask about anything. (My grandma was taken away by 2 ambulances last Thursday and he hasn’t asked once how she is doing).
He doesn’t really care. I just help pay the bills.