The things I’ll never admit are:
- I will admit that I don’t have any friends. I act like it doesn’t bother me and that I don’t need friends. In reality, it bothers me a lot. I feel defective like I will never find a friend outside of my boyfriend at the time. My “friends” only talk to me when they need something or are lonely. They don’t message me or tag me in memes or anything. I’m replaceable.
- I think the reason I don’t have friends is because people annoy me. If I’m not talking to my boyfriend, I get bored of people and stop talking to them. Or I don’t feel like hanging out with people. I’m weird, but now I know weird people like me and I still don’t fully fit in. I’ve never fit in. I remember in 1st or 2nd grade having one of the girly girls in my class try to teach me how to be a lady.
- I can understand why people don’t really like me. I don’t even like myself. I annoy myself. There’s another voice, another part of me that yells at the annoying me. I hate everything about myself. I think often of hurting myself, but in a fighting sort of way. As if I’m someone entirely and I’m beat the shit out of someone else. I am not one.
- The only time I am remotely happy with myself is whenever I’m skinny. I have to be bony and fragile to be pleased and feel beautiful. I see how I looked a few years ago and then I see who I became. Fat, disgusting, useless, dumb, can’ t do anything right. The voice yells at me for becoming this person. It makes me regret eating. I want to throw it up when it starts feeding me half truths that I still believe.
- I’m losing weight now. I almost cried when I saw the scale go down today. I rub my hip bones and ribs that are starting to poke out again. I feel my collar bones. I admire my thinning face, but I know that I have a long journey until I go back to where I used to be. The voice says, “You’re still gross. Your thighs are too big and lumpy.
- To be honest, I don’t even think my boyfriend really wants to be with me. I don’t think he really loves me. I think that he is with me because he knows that he can’t afford the house without me. He is too broken from the past to be able to love me. I try to understand but he makes it hard. He is too stubborn to listen to what I have to say or my thought process. He sees his point of view and that’s it. He won’t even listen to what I have to say.
- I don’t regret being with him. I love him more than he wants me to love him. He has introduced me to a different type of people, people that are like me. I love the life I live with him, but I hate that he is 9 years older, has a child and a baby mama. I hate his band that are getting bigger. I can’t change any of those, but if I knew from the get go that he had a child, I wouldn’t have picked him. I would have chosen the other dude. I don’t mess with sloppy seconds. Because he has a son, he is like scared to do anything. He takes his lessons out on me.
- I regret moving out. I’m broke. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pay our bills. I miss my always clean house and always had food. I didn’t have to worry about broken sinks, leaky basements, bitchy landlords. late fees. He doesn’t make anything and I’m going back to school. I’m so fucked.
- I don’t regret dating my last boyfriend. I was so happy with him. I have my favorite memories with him that I will always remember and hold dear. I think he was my first true love.