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I don’t know what to think anymore. Alex has completely turned my life upside down. There is no such thing as normalcy with him in your life. I thought we were okay as friends, but as soon as he knew that I had another boyfriend he was back in my life trying to make me his again.

The boyfriend I have now is nice, but…he’s not Alex. Alex is a hurricane. He never brings anything good, but I love him so much. Calvin is good to me but can be annoying. He’s is attractive and loyal and straightforward with me; any girl would be lucky to have him. I’m just stuck on Alex who is a piece of shit. I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him, but I love him. He is toxic to me and too much will kill me.

Calvin tries. He freezes so I can be warm. He was there for me when I was indecisive about wanting to be with him. He stayed up with me because I didn’t want to be alone. He heard me cry and at my weakest. He’s not perfect. He is a mooch and  annoying but he is real and just wants love and happiness. He would be there for me. He wants to build a life with me.

And I’m willing to throw it away…again…for someone who tosses me out like leftovers. Alex uses me for money, sex, and other things. He doesn’t want his interest free bank to leave him. He is fine alone until he hears I’ve moved on and am happy. He’s all sweet and loving for now until he feels pressured and restricted. Then he will leave. Maybe he just wants sex and then he will leave. Maybe I should just have sex with him to see if that is what he wants.If it is I won’t hear from him for a few weeks.

Lately he has been clingy and loving. He wants me to constantly text him and see him, which isn’t like him. I don’t know what is wrong with him. I don’t know if the drugs are messing with him brain or what. He never cared about texting or being with me. He has to be trying to wheel me in..has to be. He has told me even recently that it was best not to get into anything that I’m the reason why his mental health and physical health declined (I wasn’t) and that he worked too hard to get where he was that he didn’t want to risk the backslide in progress. Why in a few days did he change his mind and now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me? I know he doesn’t trust me and that is his way to monitor me. I know him…I don’t trust him either, but I love him.

I don’t want to fuck this up if he is serious though. IF  he really wants me back and to make this work, then I want to give him my all. IF he truly loves me, then I want to love him the best  I can. IF,IF, IF, IF!  I don’t know what to think. I would be an idiot to take him back. Especially, throw away a good man like Calvin for someone who doesn’t really love me.

I want Alex. I want the physical connection that we have. I want to be happy and help him so we can love each other comfortably. He is loving and sweet now but will he in a week or two?

I will always love him…

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