Yesterday, you know, I was okay. I was good for almost two days with no tears. I was really over him and couldn’t stand him. I figured if he wanted to be an asshole like that then let him. I still haven’t text him and don’t plan on it. It’s like as soon as I got to work someone ripped the mask I was hiding behind and exposed my vulnerability to everyone. I used to love going to work; it was my escape but now I strive to escape work. Everyone knows him, the situation, and even her, so they have a real opinion on it. I can’t just ignore it. There is so many memories there with us and they come back at me flashing violently in front of me, attacking me.
I was so full of hate for him that I kept tearing him down. I was happy for once. Then my friend told me that she heard they were just hooking up (which makes it worse for me). I couldn’t help myself. I fought back the tears for as long as I could and then I went out back and bawled. It’s not ideal I know, but I can’t cry in front of the customers or the crew because they will be looking at me weird or asking what’s wrong. My sanity came out and talked to me. I can’t talk to many people when I’m upset but I can in front of him. He has been so wonderful to me during the whole breakup, always being there for me. He doesn’t try to get with me, he keeps his space. I call him my sanity because I would be lost without him. Eventually, I went back in, but my mood was completely drained. I didn’t talk much or anything. I just wanted to be alone.
After that it seemed like things went downhill. It was really busy and I still had to do breaks and I had no idea how that was going to happen. I was in the cooler getting applesauce and this big, plastic bin fell on my head, but I kept going didn’t even pick it up. I just wanted to cry and give up. Then the freezer door wouldn’t stay open and I was just so frustrated that I snapped. I cried and cried. Once again my sanity came to my rescue. Then my GM tells me I’m closing Saturday and so does he…
Saturday will either bring two things: non-stop tears or he will fall back in love with me or maybe both. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I can’t deal with being with him six hours like that, especially if he doesn’t love me anymore.
I thought that I had finally won, but once again he has the upper hand. I can tell that today is going to be another day like today.